LivingWithThePain's Blog

{January 30, 2011}   A Happy yet Sad Note

I currently do not have custody of my children.  This was a very hard decision that I made a long time ago.  I am since regretting this decision as I only had the present time in mind and not the future.  I can see that they are differences on when I was with them all the time and now.  I can also see the difference between how they act at their father’s house and at my house.  They jump all over the furniture, including the tables as well as do pretty much whatever it is that they feel they want to do.  At my place we have rules and bed times and consequences when they do not behave accordingly.

My oldest child has been asking if she could come and live with me.  My youngest child has now started on this path as well.  Every weekend they come over and deal with the rules and the consequences with little problems.  They are still kids and will try to test the boundaries when they can, but are put right back in their place.

Today their father came over to pick them up and the cried.  Both of them were putting up a fight and giving their Dad a hard time because they did not want to leave.  Although this did make me a little happy that they would like to stay with me, they were still at my place where they have rules.  So I had to tell them to behave themselves and treat their father respectfully, because he sure wasn’t doing it.  I mean I can only do so much and if he isn’t going to help himself, why should I do it.  My youngest one told me that as soon as they get home, “Daddy will start being mean to us”.  She is now 5, but telling her to clean her room is considered “mean” to her, so I’m not sure what kind of value I need to put there.

I know that when I went to pick them up on Friday, he had a beer in his hand.  I remember him telling me once when we were married, that he was a mean drunk.  He had been sober until after we got divorced.  Another reason I am kicking myself for not taking the children with me.  You can drink and that’s fine, but he could never handle drinking which is why he stopped to begin with.

Anyway, it’s nice that they want to stay here with me, but I’m sure that if they were with me all the time, they would say they want to stay with their Dad.

{January 30, 2011}   Trying Something New!

So, I have been having a lot of pain since July of 2009. I was unable to find the trigger that has caused all this pain and my doctor has resorted to different kinds of pain killers to help manage my condition. This is not something that makes me extremely happy, as I hate taking medicine, let alone pain killers.

I have gained at least 30 pounds if not more over the last year. My Dr. told me that the more I way the worst off my condition will be. This does make a lot of sense to me, so when I went to my primary, they advised me that the current method of birth control I am taking, it will be almost impossible to lose the weight while taking it. So I started thinking, I feel awful all the time anyway, so I might as well discontinuing this medication. This got me thinking some more, that this medication is the only thing that has really changed for me over the last year and a half. This could possibly be the trigger I have been searching for all this time. So far for me at least, the depo shot does not seem to be worth it. The weight gain alone is enough to keep me far, far away from it.

Recently, I have been out sick because of the intense pain that I have right now. My back feels like “Humpty Dumpty” put it together totally wrong. My doctor explained to me that part of this could be of the osteo that I have in my back. She said that it is so minute that it’s not noticeable without an x-ray, but it is there.

I have my kids this weekend and I feel like a complete bum. I haven’t wanted to move. I do not like them paying for my condition. I recently went out and purchased a cane to help me out when Chris is at work and for just being out and about. I mainly use it to help me stand and on my really bad days I will use it to keep me upright while walking. We went out to McDonald’s yesterday and one of the employees told my boyfriend to stop hitting me, thinking he was being friendly. He then asked what I did to myself. I thought this was very intrusive, rude and a little creepy. I know that this guy was just trying to be nice but he was a little too friendly. he first took notice of my children and Chris was up at the counter so it appeared that we were all alone. I guess I’m a little more paranoid when it comes to my kids.

I will keep you all posted on how I am feeling. I am hoping that I will start to feel better as soon as the end of February.

{September 27, 2010}   Pain getting the better of me

So recently the pain has gotten the better of me. At work, one of my bosses asked to speak with me regarding my take on something and I was in pain beyond words. What he wanted to discuss literally punch me in the face and with the pain on top of it, I could not handle it. So to my horror, I began to tear up and a few got past my guard. He now thinks that I am super emotional and a complete basket case. Even though he’ll deny it all day long, I know that it is fact.

One thing ran through my mind when all this was happening….If Kimon was here, he’d be calling an ambulance. I remember the threat to this day! We were working and he looked at me and said “girl if you ever start crying here are work, I’m calling an ambulance cause your about to die”. So this thought helped me get myself back together that night and work the remainder of my shift.

Those of you who know me personally, know that I should have left because I was completely tapped out. I’m proving to myself that I can push through more and more pain if need be. I really wish the need wasn’t there, but that’s life I guess.

I talked with Chris this evening and we have decided to try and change our diet again. No more fast food that just causes me to have more pain, but good home cooking. This way I can regulate what I eat. One of my other bosses has said if I try to take control of this on my own and prove that I can commit to this change, she will help me hone it further to make the pain hopefully disappear. At this point I’m desperate and will try anything. I am taking too many pain pills in my opinion and this needs to stop.

I am only 29 years old and I can not imagine living the rest of my life like this. I know deep down that this is only half of what my grandmother went through and she still pushed herself to work and be functional. I feel that I must push through like she did to make her proud of me. I know that she never wanted this for me or my sister. At least one of us has escaped this nightmare and I’m thankful that she doesn’t have to deal with it. I know that she is a very strong person but she is really just starting her life and doesn’t need this extra road block. I hope she never has to feel the pain as I do.

I also try and make my boyfriend proud by getting up and going to work everyday. Even though most days I don’t want to move, I make myself for him. I know that I have to have a reason to get up and make myself be mobile but some days it’s really too hard. Those are the days that I push even harder.

I know that there are some out there saying you don’t have to prove anything, if you need te time take it. Believe me when I ay I know where you are coming from, but he knows me better. He can look at me and know when I’m done. I could go to the government and file for disability and never have to work a day in my life again. But really, what kind of life would that be anyway. I would fall apart even faster not having something to get up for on a daily basis.

If and when I need the time and the help, I’ll ask for it. I don’t ask for help often, so if I ever ask you know I’m for real.

To those of you out there who are living with pain everyday…Please find a great support team! Without the love and support the journey is long and hard. You have to start with yourself first. A wise woman once told me, that in order to start healing is to start with yourself. If you are not willing to make the changes and choices to better yourself, nobody else will.

It’s really like a person who has an addiction. They have to see the problem, acknowledge it and fix it before others will offer their assistance. Look long and hard in the mirror and find out if you like what you see. If not, start making the changes yourself and others will help you along your journey.

{September 8, 2010}   Condition Update

So I’m still in agony everyday. Some days are definitely getting better but most days are not so great.

I went to my doctor a couple weeks ago because I needed my FMLA papers filled out for work again. While I was there, we discussed my feet swelling and how the compression socks she asked me to get were just making them swell worse. It did wonders for the ankles but not my actual feet.

So given this new development and the fact that my feet hurt extremely bad by the end of my work day, she gave me the paperwork for a Handicap Decal. So, I am now part of the population that gets Rock Star parking all the time.

Some aspects of my life are getting harder and harder. It’s like I do everything I could possibly do and still not be appreciated for what you do. It’s like, Oh, it’s Erika so everything will be ok. Which is great to be known for handling things that come my way, but at the same time it’s not what I do!

I am currently out of holiday and pto at this time. Which means I have to be careful when I a out and how often because I’m not going to be paid for it. It’s a good thing but it just adds one more aspect of stress to my life that I really don’t need at this time.

So for now I’m gonna keep smiling and pushing to make it through my days.

{August 26, 2010}   Lab Rat

Sometimes this is what I feel like.  My doctor keeps trying more and more medicines and nothing really seems to help.  I think that I have taken so many medicines within the last 6 months that I could start my own pharmacy.

Most of these medicine’s don’t even help.  My stomach was upset for several days so I stopped taking any meds in fear that it would make it worse.  I stopped having really sharp pains throughout the entire day.  I thought that maybe I was doing myself a favor but once I went back to work, it started all over again.

So now I have to get my FMLA papers filled out again.  I left a message for them to call me back to schedule an appointment and after 2 days and they have not called me back yet. 

Anyway, my feet are getting worse and it’s getting harder and harder for me to walk around.  So I’ll be calling to make an appointment and see what they can do for me this time around.

Work is going great and for the most part I can make it through the day without too much pain but I still need to take some meds.  I miss my old team mates and my old shift but I’m happy with the experience that I am getting for my hard work.

{July 24, 2010}   Fibro and more

So I went to see my primary back at the beginning of June I think.  All my tests came back fine and dandy.  I mentioned that I was suffering from some abdominal pain again like when I stand up I feel a pull or cramp in that lower woman area. 

So they sent me for an ultrasound.  Well I dragged my feet and thought that I would get to it eventually.  Well my rheumatoid doctor send me for an MRI as well and I had a follow up last Thursday, the 22nd.  So I figured I should get the MRI done so I she had the results by the time my appointment came up.  Well that’s when I remembered I needed an ultrasound too, so I made an appointment for both on the same day at the same place.

So my primary calls me the other day and tells me that I have another ovarian cyst.  The nurse tells me “these things usually take care of themselves” so we will have you go for another ultrasound in about 3 months.  Mind you I have already been dealing with the pain for a month or so prior.  I waited almost 2 months to actually get the original ultrasound done and now I have to wait another 3 months.  So I asked the nurse what side it was on and how big it was.  She didn’t know??!!  WTF!  How can you call someone and tell them that there is something wrong with them and not even have all the information?  So I asked the nurse to put a note in my file.  “Please tell the NP that the last time I have ovarian cysts, I had them for over 6 months and the only reason it went away was due to surgery!”

The nurse then asks if I am okay waiting the 3 months for the ultrasound.  I said sure.  I will not be surprised if it is still there then and if not, super for me!

So the MRI came back.  My doctor was looking for a pinched nerve or something else to determine why I was having so much pain everywhere.  Maybe a hidden reason other than fibro.  Okay, I get that.  All it told her was I have arthritis in my neck.  Well, the x-ray that I had done like 6 months ago told her that, so it was a pointless expense that I will probably have to pay out of pocket because my insurance sucks.  But whatever, I got a lot of information out of it right!

Oh and tonight I went to a wedding reception, more like a house party.  They were having a drinking contest “flip the cup” and beer was the poison.  Well beer is made of yeast, which inflames the fibro, so I said that I could not play.  The groom proceeds to tell me that he thinks that fibro is bullshit and he came to this deduction because of the commercials that they play on television.  “Fibromylasia is a real disease.”  He says that if you have to say it’s real, then it’s something that is bogus.  I told him that the disease itself is not bogus but the medication is a joke, at least for me.  Nothing has helped. 

My doctor put me on Cymbalta, the depression medication, thinking that it has to do with the other chemical fluid that is in the brain since I didn’t respond to the other medication.  Well I read about it and it says that it can help with fibro too.  So sure I’ll try it.  I’ll do anything to help get rid of the pain right?  Yeah, side effect suicidal tendencies.  UNDERSTATEMENT!!!!!!  I took it for 3 days and was ready to literally jump off the Skyway!  My Supervisors at work even noticed that there was something wrong with me.  Thank goodness I have Chris and he told me to stop taking the medicine.  Otherwise, who knows if I would have jumped off the bridge or not.  I mean I wasn’t actually at the bridge but I was heading for the car to go!  Just didn’t want to leave the car up there for Chris to have to figure out how to get there and get if afterwards.  Completely selfish! I know right. 

So that’s my story as of now.  My doctor didn’t give me anything else for the primary meds of fibro.  She is sending me to physical Therapy in hopes that this will help strengthen stuff and help me build up my resistance without all these medicines.

I’ll let you know how it goes!

{July 7, 2010}   Yet Another Disappointment

So, I am trying to better myself at work.  Sure, everyone says “you’ll be great” or “you’ll do fine” and then everything is not great or fine.  So I tried for a higher position, that is my ultimate goal at work and was denied.

Not a typical denial, but one full of bullshit.  Seriously, I thought it was up to the interviewer to find out the details that they are looking for?  I thought it was the interviewer that was supposed to help lead you to the information that they wanted or even do some homework on what you have done for the company in the past.

This did not happen.  I was given some really bad advise and it made everything fall apart.  A few people told me to focus on the now and what you are doing now, stay with the current company and the experiences that you have had over the last few months.  Well, that didn’t turn out so good, as then it looks to the recruiter that this is ALL the experience that you have. 

The point of the story is, if something worked for you the first time, then do it again.  Wait until you get past the HR rep to start talking about what you have done only at this company.  Otherwise your experiences will not look like much.

So to my friends who know me,  I didn’t get passed on the second round!  Believe it or not, I’m not mad.  It’s disappointing, but I am happy where I am and know that it is my fault and interviewing skills that were lacking in this situation, not me and my experiences.


{June 3, 2010}   The Move

So we had to move because there was mold in our apartment.  We really didn’t think much of it at first because I was able to wipe it off the walls.

Well it came back 3 more times.  We told the office what was going on and they came in and did a treatment to the walls that was suppose to kill all the mold within the walls.  Well over the winter it came back on the window sill and the office told us that this was normal due to the windows being old and that we should wipe the water off the windows to keep this from happening. 

Ok, I can kind of understand doing our part in preventing the mold from recurring, so we did that.  They then told us that if we used the air conditioner that it would make the problem disappear and nobody came to the apartment to do the “treatment” on the window sill. 

We decided that we had had enough of the mold and told the office that we needed a different apartment.  We were not even trying to leave the complex, we just wanted a different apartment that was mold free.  Well they didn’t have another apartment for us to move into, so they let us out of our lease. 

So the looking for a place begins.  We were lucky enough to find a decent place that was still close to work and that was reasonable in price.  The old complex asked if we had found anything, so we told them and they proceeded to tell us how crappy this new place was.  I stopped him right there and was like, look we didn’t ask for mold.  We didn’t ask for you to let us out of our lease, we just asked for a “mold free” apartment.  I mean they didn’t even want to pay for a hotel room to actually take care of our current unit.  It’s not like we did this on purpose so we could move.  We were very content where we were.

So, I start packing up all of our things.  A couple of friends said that they would help us move.  One got sick, so was unable to help us but the other came.  Chris and I had already moved all the boxes that we had, so it was just the furniture that was left.  Chris and I picked up the truck at Noon and he had it returned by 1:30.  They asked if something was wrong with the truck because it was brought back so fast. 

I have almost finished all the unpacking.  The girls are thrilled with their new room and the fact that there are 2 bathrooms now.  We have no bed to sleep on because when we lifted it, the bottom was covered in mold and the top of the box springs.  That was completely gross!  Can you imagine that all this time, we have basically been sleeping in mold?  No wonder I have been feeling so run down and Chris is always congested!

Due to the fact that we had help from a wonderful friend, I had little pain due to the move.  I am suffering a little because of moving all those boxes and unpacking everything but it so could have been worse.

So now I will continue the rest of my vacation.  We will be going to Jacksonville to see his mom on Friday and Saturday.  It kind of sucks because I was hoping to have the entire week but just like the place I work at, things change all the time.  You have to be on your toes because the next move you make may not be what you have planned.

{May 6, 2010}   Oh The Pain!

Today is ungodly bad.  I am actually thinking of calling in and using my FMLA I hurt so bad.

If you have read OMG!! What a Day, this is the same day.  I am seriously tired and I hurt all over.  I hurt so bad, I looked at Chris and told him I think my back is broken.  I have my snoogle behind me and it still is not giving enough support.   I am trying to be strong and make it through my day. 

I was recently given some additional tasks to complete for this week and I do not want to miss it.  It is very important that I go in, as I am the one that was instructed to do the task  and not to share.  So I need to go into work and push through this bad day.  I have Monday off, so I will be able to have a day to myself ro recover from this crazy week and weekend. 

Wish me Luck!!

{May 6, 2010}   OMG!! What a day!

As today approached, I knew I was in trouble.  But I had no idea what I was in for and the day is not even over yet.  Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

So the week started and I spoke to the “Ex.”  My oldest daughter does not have school on Friday and so I was to either pick them at the ass crack of dawn or from the former In-Laws!  Yeah, ass crack it is!  So, I don’t get off from work until 3am Friday morning, and need to pick them up by 9am.  So, not really a lot of sleep to deal with a 4 and 6-year-old. 

Wednesday my Oldest daughter, Alexis, calls and asked me to come to her classes “Mother’s Day Party” that is on Thursday morning at 8 am.  YAY!  So I do what any good mother would do, I get up and go.  Then Chris gets a call from his Dad who needs a ride to the VA  and he has to be there at 8:15.  This works because the school and the VA are near each other. 

So, I do the Mother’s Day thing and Alexis starts crying when I have to leave, even though she’s spending the entire weekend with me.  So emotional trauma from the get go, to go on top of the “tiredness.”  So Chris comes to get me and we start nebshitting around at Wal-mart and Best Buy.  While we are doing this, Chris’ Dad is at the VA for an appointment.

So no sooner do we get into Best Buy, does the VA call.  Something is wrong and they are taking his Dad to the ER.  Sheer panic starts to go through Chris and right into me.  More emotional trauma.  The adrenalin starts pumping and I am all worried about Chris.  His Dad is very important to him and it’s not clear on his face what is going through his head, but I know.  I am worried of course, but someone has to be in control.  I offered to drive but as I know how Chris drives and anything less at this point would be unacceptable, I didn’t push, he has to get there now!

He wants to get there as soon as he can.  The fast the better.  If he’s there, then it will be alright.  He just has to get there and his Dad has to be alright.  Once we finally get to the VA, Chris is like running through the hallways trying to find the ER.  He’s not really running but I almost am to keep up, because he kept stopping for me.  The reception guy is not helpful at all, just sitting on his ass and not doing  adamn thing.  We get there and almost beat his Dad to the ER, so of course he’s not in the system yet.  That’s understandable, nobody drives like Chris and add panic to that, it’s dangerous.

So, after about 20 minutes, Chris gets back up and asks if his Dad is now in the system.  The guy says, “oh yeah, he’s in here now!”  Ok dumbass can someone go and see him.  “I could go back there but the doctors are probably going to tell you to wait because they need to do testing.”  Again, I get that, but could you at least tell the Doctors that there are people in the waiting room waiting on answers? (This last one coming from me)

Well he gets his ass up and walks back there and the Doctors let Chris right in.  Chris has told me that his Dad doesn’t like to have others around when he is not at his best, so I stayed out in the waiting room out of respect.  So I was out of the loop and weird people were talking to me.  YAY!

Long story short, his Dad is alright for now.  They are not really sure what happened but the released him.  Chris knows that if something else happens I’m here.

So now it’s 3:30pm, I start work in 3 hours and still no sleep.  I probably won’t get to bed until I get home from work at 3:30am.  Another 12 hours to go.  I guess I’ll just take them 1 at a time.

I may be able to squeeze a few hours in, in the morning before I have to get the girls.  My sister has offered to pick them up for me and keep them a few hours to give me more time to sleep, but I’m not sure if I want to do that.  Chris says that my sister is trying to help “ME” so I should take her up on it.

Well see!

et cetera