LivingWithThePain's Blog

{January 30, 2011}   A Happy yet Sad Note

I currently do not have custody of my children.  This was a very hard decision that I made a long time ago.  I am since regretting this decision as I only had the present time in mind and not the future.  I can see that they are differences on when I was with them all the time and now.  I can also see the difference between how they act at their father’s house and at my house.  They jump all over the furniture, including the tables as well as do pretty much whatever it is that they feel they want to do.  At my place we have rules and bed times and consequences when they do not behave accordingly.

My oldest child has been asking if she could come and live with me.  My youngest child has now started on this path as well.  Every weekend they come over and deal with the rules and the consequences with little problems.  They are still kids and will try to test the boundaries when they can, but are put right back in their place.

Today their father came over to pick them up and the cried.  Both of them were putting up a fight and giving their Dad a hard time because they did not want to leave.  Although this did make me a little happy that they would like to stay with me, they were still at my place where they have rules.  So I had to tell them to behave themselves and treat their father respectfully, because he sure wasn’t doing it.  I mean I can only do so much and if he isn’t going to help himself, why should I do it.  My youngest one told me that as soon as they get home, “Daddy will start being mean to us”.  She is now 5, but telling her to clean her room is considered “mean” to her, so I’m not sure what kind of value I need to put there.

I know that when I went to pick them up on Friday, he had a beer in his hand.  I remember him telling me once when we were married, that he was a mean drunk.  He had been sober until after we got divorced.  Another reason I am kicking myself for not taking the children with me.  You can drink and that’s fine, but he could never handle drinking which is why he stopped to begin with.

Anyway, it’s nice that they want to stay here with me, but I’m sure that if they were with me all the time, they would say they want to stay with their Dad.

{January 30, 2011}   Trying Something New!

So, I have been having a lot of pain since July of 2009. I was unable to find the trigger that has caused all this pain and my doctor has resorted to different kinds of pain killers to help manage my condition. This is not something that makes me extremely happy, as I hate taking medicine, let alone pain killers.

I have gained at least 30 pounds if not more over the last year. My Dr. told me that the more I way the worst off my condition will be. This does make a lot of sense to me, so when I went to my primary, they advised me that the current method of birth control I am taking, it will be almost impossible to lose the weight while taking it. So I started thinking, I feel awful all the time anyway, so I might as well discontinuing this medication. This got me thinking some more, that this medication is the only thing that has really changed for me over the last year and a half. This could possibly be the trigger I have been searching for all this time. So far for me at least, the depo shot does not seem to be worth it. The weight gain alone is enough to keep me far, far away from it.

Recently, I have been out sick because of the intense pain that I have right now. My back feels like “Humpty Dumpty” put it together totally wrong. My doctor explained to me that part of this could be of the osteo that I have in my back. She said that it is so minute that it’s not noticeable without an x-ray, but it is there.

I have my kids this weekend and I feel like a complete bum. I haven’t wanted to move. I do not like them paying for my condition. I recently went out and purchased a cane to help me out when Chris is at work and for just being out and about. I mainly use it to help me stand and on my really bad days I will use it to keep me upright while walking. We went out to McDonald’s yesterday and one of the employees told my boyfriend to stop hitting me, thinking he was being friendly. He then asked what I did to myself. I thought this was very intrusive, rude and a little creepy. I know that this guy was just trying to be nice but he was a little too friendly. he first took notice of my children and Chris was up at the counter so it appeared that we were all alone. I guess I’m a little more paranoid when it comes to my kids.

I will keep you all posted on how I am feeling. I am hoping that I will start to feel better as soon as the end of February.

et cetera