LivingWithThePain's Blog











{April 21, 2010}   Some unkind weeks

Since I started this new position at work, I have not had 2 days off in a row to recharge the battery.  I have not been sleeping well, despite the muscle relaxers and I have been in absolute agony! 

My new position causes a lot of stress because there is so much to do and not a lot of time to get it done.  It’s a juggling act and in some cases a need for assistance as my time is very limited when my reps are actually working.  So, I have been bending over backwards to keep up and make sure that I am doing everything I can for my reps. 

There have been days that I have been dragging so much ass, I know that my Supervisor would have sent me home by now.  The Supervisor that I am currently working with knows what I am going through but also knows that if I came in then I am ok to work.

I came in one day in so much pain I felt like I was hit by a train!  I had a lidocaine patch on my back and it still did nothing to cut any of the pain off at all.  I had to go speak to my Supervisor and she asked if I was alright.  She then told me that she understood what I was trying to do but if I needed to take a day, then I needed the day!  I feel like such a failure for taking the day, so I rarely ever do.  My thought is if I can get up out of bed, then I can go into work and that is what I do.

One day my neck was hurting so bad, I had a patch on it and that did no good.  When you take all your medicine as you are advised to and add something to take some of the edge off and get no relief, it can be very depressing.  The depression is worse on the days that I know I need help and I ask for help but receive none.  That is mostly activities that deal with work and not home.

I have to give Chris his kudos as I know it is a huge pain to deal with me.  As soon as I walk into the door I fall apart.  I have been working so hard throughout the day to keep my pain from others that by the time I get home I have only made it worse and he has to deal with it.  I know that he understands that I do not like to show weakness and so he knows why when I get home it all comes out.  Most times I can’t even get up to go to the restroom without help.  If I pass out on the couch, he’ll leave me there so I can get some solid sleep for as long as possible. 

If I take the car, he worries as he knows that driving and sitting up in the car hurts like a mother.  I have gotten so bad in the car that I have to keep a pillow in the car to soften the back rest.  I am losing my grip in my right hand.  I will drop my soda bottles, glass, purse or even something as light as a piece of paper as it spasms and drops what is in it.  Most times I have to use both hands to hold a glass or bottle to drink out of.  I am currently unable to use chopsticks as my hands shake too much and I can’t keep it pinched to hold the food.

Everyday is a new struggle to get past the pain.  It seems like my medicine is no longer helping and that I am wasting my time.  I am not disappointed mind you as it’s 200 buck every 3 months for the current regimen I am on.  I need to become more active and at least start walking again so I can keep myself loose and limber.  A nice deep tissue massage would be wonderful as well.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day!

Cheers,
Erika



{March 24, 2010}   Another Flare-Up

So when I started my new position, I was up front with the other members that they could not touch me.  These past few weeks have been very rough for me and my pain.  I have completely flipped my hours so my sleep has been interrupted and my meals are lacking to say the least.  Chris is trying to help me keep track of food but I am so busy that I rarely have time for a break let alone lunch.

So my body is  a wreck to say the least.  One of the members patted my back the other day and it was the one I am not too fond of.  I almost decked this person, but I refrained.  I need to send out another e-mail I guess to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

So it’s my day off and I did absolutely NOTHING!!!!!  I loved it.  I watch 21 JumpStreet and one of the Harry Potter movies.  My neck has been bothering me a lot lately.  Today it has hurt so bad that I have a migraine and I have tried about everything.  I love Chris but if he doesn’t learn to speal quietly I going to have to kill him! 

So I have this patch on my neck to try to take some of the feeling out but I don’t think that it is working.  I have tried changing my position, moving about, heat, exercise and this patch and nothing has worked.  I have to work into the morning hours tomorrow so hopefully this goes away.

I miss my previous co-workers.  I keep missing them when I come in early.  If you guys read this, drop me a few lines about how you are doing!  I may have a different position but I still love you guys.  I hope to see you all again soon.



{March 24, 2010}   Work

So I started a new position at work.  All of us seem to get a long just fine but there are some issues.  Most of us are able to joke around and have a good time but there is one that throws everything all out of whack.  So I made a comment the other day and it was playing off of this person and then he tells me that he understands that it was a joke but he didn’t find it funny.  So around him “mum” is the word.  I will no longer try to treat him like the rest of the group.  I know that it will not be taken the way that it is meant, so why waste my time. So there is my thought on that.



{March 19, 2010}   Pain at Work

It is hard to work and be in pain.  I have been approved for FMLA at work but I am afraid to use it.  I know that they can not fire me or anything but I don’t want them to take away my loan position, so I work with pain.

It hasn’t been much time for me to think about it lately as I have been running around work.  A few people have asked me if walking around was all I am suppose to do now.  I have to move around a lot to get to meetings or to talk with another department.  What’s funny is that within my loan I have been loaned out twice this week.  I am not working directly with the class we have right now, but the exposure with them would have been great for me.

You would think that with being able to move around that I would not have pain, but I do.  When I finally get to where I am going, I have to sit and listen to that person.  It’s hard to stand when people are giving presentations and have them feel comfortable.  Also, when working with the reps, standing puts some on edge.  I try to explain prior to doing so but they still get nervous so I must sit through the pain.  Also, I cannot bring my heating pad with me wherever I go, so I have no relief with it throughout the day.

I seem to be having more and more spasms that are taking me by surprise.  I am having a hard time at work with this.  I know that I am entitled to an additional break but I rarely find the time to take my normal breaks let alone my extra one.

I ran in to Rebecca the other day, it was great to see someone from my old team.  I miss them all.  I am working a completely different shift so I never see them anymore.  I hope you guys know that I am not thinking I am better, just not there!

I need to start taking better care of myself, nobody else will do it for me.  I am trying to get somewhere at work and become somebody and with this I can achieve that.  So I work through the spasms and the pain with a grin.  My teammates know that I have an issue and are begining to see the signs and know what is happening.  I hate being like a book that can be read.  They know I do not want to talk about it but they seem to “baby” me and help me more on those days.

“The pain never goes away completely” is what I told Rebecca.  Some days are definitely better than others but there is always a dull pain that is managable everyday.  When the spasms come I have to get up and then there is much more pain but I manage.  I am starting to manage it better again but I am taking my medicines like I am suppose too.

No worries everyone, I am doing what I am told to do to take care of myself.  I hope to see you guys again soon.



{March 14, 2010}   The Spasm

I have been working myself this week like a dog.  I have not been taking my additional break like I can, and I needed too, because I started a new position and I want to prove myself to my new supervisors and my team mates. 

So, I have been so busy that I have not had time to even think about the pain, let alone feel most of it.  Which, don’t get me wrong, is fantastic but it takes its toll too.  I had my girls this weekend, which I was not expecting and we had a nice relaxing day. 

I have been having a spasm in my back all day.  It was annoying at first because it would come and go.  Well at around 3 it decided not to play nice anymore.  I had a spasm right in the middle of my back that I had Chris yank me out of the chair I was sitting in and get me to another room as fast as we could so the girls wouldn’t see me cry.

Now let me explain that a little better.  My kids are 6 and 4 and they get really upset when I am having a bad day and they think that they hurt me.  So, instead of having them see me in such pain that I can’t explain to them, I try to shelter them from it.  If they do come into the room, I will tell them what is happening but if not they don’t need to know.

So, that literally doubled me over and had me sobbing within 2 seconds.  I don’t think Chris has ever seen a spasm that bad.  It just came out of no where and left me on my behind.

I think that this was due to a number of contributing factors.  The first is always the number 1 suspect, the Weather.  In Florida the weather can’t seem to figure out what the hell it wants to do at this point and my body is paying the price for it.  Number 2, my diet.  Try as I might, there are somethings that I just can’t go without and I know that I will pay for it.  It is very hard to remain healthy without taking supplements when you can not eat wheat, yeast, starch and red meats.  I am sure there are more that also add to this but I have not figured them out yet.  Number 3, my new job.  Running around, the anxiety of doing a good job, the new people the expectations, missing my kids, wanting to prove myself and not taking proper care of myself.

Between the 3, I am sure that I will continue to have wonderful days off as there is nothing I can really do about the weather.  Hopefully with Spring coming this will come to an end soon.  Once I figure out all the foods that I need to avoid and find the time to make an appropriate diet, I will have to continue with the meal regime as it is.  The job, nothing really I can do about that.  I am trying to leave it at work and not bring the stress home with me.  Also, if I ever want to become a Supervisor, I WANT to finish this program.  This position is all that a Supervisor would do, minus the disciplinary actions.  Which I think is great!!!

Again, if anyone has any tips please share!



{March 14, 2010}   My New Position

So, I got the position that I had applied for and I am very excited!!

I started on Monday and I am loving it.  I am currently working with 5 other individuals and we seem to get along great.  I will be handling a class of 19 or more people on my own.  I can’t wait to meet them all and see what I can do to help them in any way.

There are 2 classes coming out that we are suppose to split between the 6 of us.  Four of them will be working on the first class and 2 of us will be working on the second class.  They told us that one of the 4 will help us as needed so we do not fall behind.  Basically anytime one of us asks, there are 5 other people there to help out.

I think that we all understand what is being asked of us and that is a good thing.  The first 2 classes will be a little hectic I think, only because we have not done this yet and we are all learning together.  Once we get that first class under us I know we will be fine. 

I have a problem leaving with my work not finished, so my challenge will be handling that and learning how to share.  I like to handle the stuff that is given to me all by myself.  This way I know what I can and can’t do.  Plus, if my class does well that I know that I did that and nobody else.  I like to be in control of everything and I know that I will have to share, so I’ll keep you updated on that as the time goes by.



{March 14, 2010}   Something New

So, I was talking to someone at work and they told me that they had once owned a gym.  We were talking about  my condition as he is now on my team and we depend on each other to finish the tasks that are to handed us. 

Anyway, he was telling me how he had an Infrared Sauna and that it is a known treatment for Fibro.  I will be honest, I have not done the research on this yet, but I will dig into it tomorrow.  If anyone has heard anything like this, please feel free to share as well.



{March 7, 2010}   Fibromyalgia Support

http://www.FibroTogether.com



{March 7, 2010}   The Jumpy Place

So, the girls like going to the jumpy place. For those of you who do not have kids, or super young kids, the Jumpy Place is an indoor bounce house place center. They have 8 moonwalkers (bouncers) and a couple of stand-alone doll house type toys.

Well, the girls love going there. They run from one bouncer to the next in like 20 seconds flat. I mean these things can be pretty brutal. You have to go through this tube, get past this pole and climb over some hurdles type stuff.

Well they go through these things and expect you to be able to keep up with them. So I’m going my best to keep up all the while killing myself trying to do it. I told myself that I would take it easy, that I had family going with me this time, so they should be able to go through some with them instead of me. Wrong! I mean they tried but it just really didn’t work out.

Chris is way too tall to try to go through them and my sister went through 2 and practically had a heart attack, so that left me. Oh to say that I am paying for it now is a HUGE under statement. My whole body hurts beyond words. If I had been blown up by a bomb, I think I would not hurt this much. Mind you I know I’d be dead with the bomb, but you understand what I mean.

So, my oldest child asks be today why I hurt all the time now? It is so hard to put into words why you have pain all the time. So, I’m trying to explain to her what is going on and what causes my condition. I think that she understands but not fully. She is only 6 so if she doesn’t understand it all it’s understandable. Hell I’m 29, it’s my condition and I don’t understand it fully. I know some of the things that inflame it and how I can attempt to avoid that, like Jumpy Places, but other than that you just have to roll with the punches.

So, now I am in agony and there is virtually nothing that I can do about it. I have already taken my medicines and so now I wait for sleep to over take me and hopefully get some relief from my pain.

Here’s to another day! Hopefully a more pain-free day.



{March 5, 2010}   My Chris!

Chris is a wonderful boyfriend. He is always looking out for me and my girls. He does lots of things to make us happy and goes above and beyond to make everything special.

For Christmas he bought the girls the “Big” toy they both wanted behind my back to surprise us all. He does little considerate things, like massages or trips to Chuck e Cheese’s.

When I am hurting and just having an all around bad day, he does everything for me. He doesn’t let me lift a finger and will literally wait on me hand and foot. He puts up with my crap when the pain gets so bad that I’m just snapping at everything.

He doesn’t lose his temper with me and never yells back. I hate that I do take things out on him, just because of the pain. He understands where others would not.

I just really can’t say how much it means to me to finally have a REAL partner in life. To know that everything will be okay and that I can always count on him. He knows that I am also there for him too. When he doesn’t feel well I try to take care of him, but he’s still concerned about me.

I love that my girls love him and he them. They get along, play and generally have fun whenever we are all together.

I can’t say how much I love him. I only know that as the days go by, it just get stronger. I will be by his side for as long as he’ll have me.

I LOVE HIM WITH ALL THAT I AM!!!!!!



et cetera