LivingWithThePain's Blog

{January 30, 2011}   A Happy yet Sad Note

I currently do not have custody of my children.  This was a very hard decision that I made a long time ago.  I am since regretting this decision as I only had the present time in mind and not the future.  I can see that they are differences on when I was with them all the time and now.  I can also see the difference between how they act at their father’s house and at my house.  They jump all over the furniture, including the tables as well as do pretty much whatever it is that they feel they want to do.  At my place we have rules and bed times and consequences when they do not behave accordingly.

My oldest child has been asking if she could come and live with me.  My youngest child has now started on this path as well.  Every weekend they come over and deal with the rules and the consequences with little problems.  They are still kids and will try to test the boundaries when they can, but are put right back in their place.

Today their father came over to pick them up and the cried.  Both of them were putting up a fight and giving their Dad a hard time because they did not want to leave.  Although this did make me a little happy that they would like to stay with me, they were still at my place where they have rules.  So I had to tell them to behave themselves and treat their father respectfully, because he sure wasn’t doing it.  I mean I can only do so much and if he isn’t going to help himself, why should I do it.  My youngest one told me that as soon as they get home, “Daddy will start being mean to us”.  She is now 5, but telling her to clean her room is considered “mean” to her, so I’m not sure what kind of value I need to put there.

I know that when I went to pick them up on Friday, he had a beer in his hand.  I remember him telling me once when we were married, that he was a mean drunk.  He had been sober until after we got divorced.  Another reason I am kicking myself for not taking the children with me.  You can drink and that’s fine, but he could never handle drinking which is why he stopped to begin with.

Anyway, it’s nice that they want to stay here with me, but I’m sure that if they were with me all the time, they would say they want to stay with their Dad.

{May 6, 2010}   Oh The Pain!

Today is ungodly bad.  I am actually thinking of calling in and using my FMLA I hurt so bad.

If you have read OMG!! What a Day, this is the same day.  I am seriously tired and I hurt all over.  I hurt so bad, I looked at Chris and told him I think my back is broken.  I have my snoogle behind me and it still is not giving enough support.   I am trying to be strong and make it through my day. 

I was recently given some additional tasks to complete for this week and I do not want to miss it.  It is very important that I go in, as I am the one that was instructed to do the task  and not to share.  So I need to go into work and push through this bad day.  I have Monday off, so I will be able to have a day to myself ro recover from this crazy week and weekend. 

Wish me Luck!!

{May 6, 2010}   OMG!! What a day!

As today approached, I knew I was in trouble.  But I had no idea what I was in for and the day is not even over yet.  Let’s start from the beginning, shall we?

So the week started and I spoke to the “Ex.”  My oldest daughter does not have school on Friday and so I was to either pick them at the ass crack of dawn or from the former In-Laws!  Yeah, ass crack it is!  So, I don’t get off from work until 3am Friday morning, and need to pick them up by 9am.  So, not really a lot of sleep to deal with a 4 and 6-year-old. 

Wednesday my Oldest daughter, Alexis, calls and asked me to come to her classes “Mother’s Day Party” that is on Thursday morning at 8 am.  YAY!  So I do what any good mother would do, I get up and go.  Then Chris gets a call from his Dad who needs a ride to the VA  and he has to be there at 8:15.  This works because the school and the VA are near each other. 

So, I do the Mother’s Day thing and Alexis starts crying when I have to leave, even though she’s spending the entire weekend with me.  So emotional trauma from the get go, to go on top of the “tiredness.”  So Chris comes to get me and we start nebshitting around at Wal-mart and Best Buy.  While we are doing this, Chris’ Dad is at the VA for an appointment.

So no sooner do we get into Best Buy, does the VA call.  Something is wrong and they are taking his Dad to the ER.  Sheer panic starts to go through Chris and right into me.  More emotional trauma.  The adrenalin starts pumping and I am all worried about Chris.  His Dad is very important to him and it’s not clear on his face what is going through his head, but I know.  I am worried of course, but someone has to be in control.  I offered to drive but as I know how Chris drives and anything less at this point would be unacceptable, I didn’t push, he has to get there now!

He wants to get there as soon as he can.  The fast the better.  If he’s there, then it will be alright.  He just has to get there and his Dad has to be alright.  Once we finally get to the VA, Chris is like running through the hallways trying to find the ER.  He’s not really running but I almost am to keep up, because he kept stopping for me.  The reception guy is not helpful at all, just sitting on his ass and not doing  adamn thing.  We get there and almost beat his Dad to the ER, so of course he’s not in the system yet.  That’s understandable, nobody drives like Chris and add panic to that, it’s dangerous.

So, after about 20 minutes, Chris gets back up and asks if his Dad is now in the system.  The guy says, “oh yeah, he’s in here now!”  Ok dumbass can someone go and see him.  “I could go back there but the doctors are probably going to tell you to wait because they need to do testing.”  Again, I get that, but could you at least tell the Doctors that there are people in the waiting room waiting on answers? (This last one coming from me)

Well he gets his ass up and walks back there and the Doctors let Chris right in.  Chris has told me that his Dad doesn’t like to have others around when he is not at his best, so I stayed out in the waiting room out of respect.  So I was out of the loop and weird people were talking to me.  YAY!

Long story short, his Dad is alright for now.  They are not really sure what happened but the released him.  Chris knows that if something else happens I’m here.

So now it’s 3:30pm, I start work in 3 hours and still no sleep.  I probably won’t get to bed until I get home from work at 3:30am.  Another 12 hours to go.  I guess I’ll just take them 1 at a time.

I may be able to squeeze a few hours in, in the morning before I have to get the girls.  My sister has offered to pick them up for me and keep them a few hours to give me more time to sleep, but I’m not sure if I want to do that.  Chris says that my sister is trying to help “ME” so I should take her up on it.

Well see!

{March 5, 2010}   My Chris!

Chris is a wonderful boyfriend. He is always looking out for me and my girls. He does lots of things to make us happy and goes above and beyond to make everything special.

For Christmas he bought the girls the “Big” toy they both wanted behind my back to surprise us all. He does little considerate things, like massages or trips to Chuck e Cheese’s.

When I am hurting and just having an all around bad day, he does everything for me. He doesn’t let me lift a finger and will literally wait on me hand and foot. He puts up with my crap when the pain gets so bad that I’m just snapping at everything.

He doesn’t lose his temper with me and never yells back. I hate that I do take things out on him, just because of the pain. He understands where others would not.

I just really can’t say how much it means to me to finally have a REAL partner in life. To know that everything will be okay and that I can always count on him. He knows that I am also there for him too. When he doesn’t feel well I try to take care of him, but he’s still concerned about me.

I love that my girls love him and he them. They get along, play and generally have fun whenever we are all together.

I can’t say how much I love him. I only know that as the days go by, it just get stronger. I will be by his side for as long as he’ll have me.


{February 27, 2010}   The Things We Do….

The things we do for our loved ones.  My oldest daughter Lexy who is 6 had her very first skate party today.  She was terrified to get out there and to be honest so was I. 

We helped her get the basics of skating and then she and I went out on the floor.  As we were going around, I had to catch her so many times that I stopped counting.  Of course I am not paying the price.  My boyfriend asked if I wanted to keep her over night, which I always want her with me, but tonight I knew that I could not do it.

I had to take her back to her dad’s house.  To which I walked in to a crying child.  The youngest, Bri, was crying that she thought that I was going to pick her up today.  I was upset that I had disappointed her, but glad I only had one child to take around the skating rink.

Their father was suppose to meet me and Lexy at the rink with Bri, so the  4 of us could do this together for the first time.  Having both of us there gave us each someone to help incase it got crazy.  He called and said that he had a bad stomach and that he and Bri were going to go on home.  So I took Lexy, since it was her party.

When I first arrived at the school to get her, she gave me a huge hug.  Then on the way to the car, she asks if we were going skating.  I of course asked how she was feeling because the Ex said he might have given them bad food that day.  Nothing was going to keep her from this party though.

So we go and encounter all the tears.  She was so scared of falling that she did not want to get out onthe floor.  So for those of you who know me, I told her straight to her face, “You Will Fall Many Times!!”  I am always honest with my kids.  Once she fell and got it out of her system she was good.  We went round and round that rink.

Now she can’t wait to go back.  My boyfriend and I may take her and her sister to a night skate but I am cautious as all the older kids are going to be there too. 

I am glad that she had a good time.  I will have to take her sister next time and see how the “Dare Devil” likes it.

Now of course I feel like I have been hit by a bus.  I will pay for it for the next few days but it is definitely well worth it since she had a really good time.  I am just glad that I am off tomorrow to re-coop.

{February 25, 2010}   Lovey

My Lovey! He is wonderful to me. Most of the time he understands me. He tries to take care of me to the best of his ability.  He basically waits on me hand and foot.  Gets me what ever I want.  Every now and then he gets me a little something that says I love you.  No matter the number of times I tell him to stop buying me stuff, he is still forever bringng stuff back.

I will do anything for him and he for me.  The most wonderful this is that he and my kids get along wonderfully.  My girls love to come over and see him.  They play games, watch movies and read stories together.  He loves every minute of it, even when we have to make them eat their food.

If I were here today without him, I do not thing that I would be able to do half the things that I do.  I don’t think I tell him enough about how great I think he is for me.  I know he just does things because that’s what he thinks is best and usually it is.  I would not trade him for anything in the world.

I Love You Lovey,

Your Baby =)

{February 25, 2010}   Importance

I don’t believe that anyone is more important than anyone else.  We all should be treated equally.

We all have our comments that we make, mostly about soemthing we don’t understand!  Someone will comment on the size of another or their physical attibutes, which I am also guilty of.  I would never intentionally say something that would destroy someone as a person and hurt them to the core.  I have had that done to me in the past so I know what that feels like.

Everyone needs to remember that nobody is perfect and that we all have things that we could probably improve on.  But you have to learn to love yourself before anyone can truly love you!

et cetera