LivingWithThePain's Blog











{April 21, 2010}   Some unkind weeks

Since I started this new position at work, I have not had 2 days off in a row to recharge the battery.  I have not been sleeping well, despite the muscle relaxers and I have been in absolute agony! 

My new position causes a lot of stress because there is so much to do and not a lot of time to get it done.  It’s a juggling act and in some cases a need for assistance as my time is very limited when my reps are actually working.  So, I have been bending over backwards to keep up and make sure that I am doing everything I can for my reps. 

There have been days that I have been dragging so much ass, I know that my Supervisor would have sent me home by now.  The Supervisor that I am currently working with knows what I am going through but also knows that if I came in then I am ok to work.

I came in one day in so much pain I felt like I was hit by a train!  I had a lidocaine patch on my back and it still did nothing to cut any of the pain off at all.  I had to go speak to my Supervisor and she asked if I was alright.  She then told me that she understood what I was trying to do but if I needed to take a day, then I needed the day!  I feel like such a failure for taking the day, so I rarely ever do.  My thought is if I can get up out of bed, then I can go into work and that is what I do.

One day my neck was hurting so bad, I had a patch on it and that did no good.  When you take all your medicine as you are advised to and add something to take some of the edge off and get no relief, it can be very depressing.  The depression is worse on the days that I know I need help and I ask for help but receive none.  That is mostly activities that deal with work and not home.

I have to give Chris his kudos as I know it is a huge pain to deal with me.  As soon as I walk into the door I fall apart.  I have been working so hard throughout the day to keep my pain from others that by the time I get home I have only made it worse and he has to deal with it.  I know that he understands that I do not like to show weakness and so he knows why when I get home it all comes out.  Most times I can’t even get up to go to the restroom without help.  If I pass out on the couch, he’ll leave me there so I can get some solid sleep for as long as possible. 

If I take the car, he worries as he knows that driving and sitting up in the car hurts like a mother.  I have gotten so bad in the car that I have to keep a pillow in the car to soften the back rest.  I am losing my grip in my right hand.  I will drop my soda bottles, glass, purse or even something as light as a piece of paper as it spasms and drops what is in it.  Most times I have to use both hands to hold a glass or bottle to drink out of.  I am currently unable to use chopsticks as my hands shake too much and I can’t keep it pinched to hold the food.

Everyday is a new struggle to get past the pain.  It seems like my medicine is no longer helping and that I am wasting my time.  I am not disappointed mind you as it’s 200 buck every 3 months for the current regimen I am on.  I need to become more active and at least start walking again so I can keep myself loose and limber.  A nice deep tissue massage would be wonderful as well.

Oh well, tomorrow is another day!

Cheers,
Erika

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Even tough days bring down the strongest of people, you are one of the strong ones but sometimes we can’t fight our own bodies no matter how much we try. I am so sorry that things are so hard, especially when I know how much you really want this new job to work. Wish that I had a magic pill or cure for you, I really do.

Prayers are with you always chickie.

Love Rebecca



Hi Rebecca,

Thank you for the encouragement. I need all I can get. You are right, I do really want this job and I want to do a damn good job too. The Supervisor that I am working for understands what I am going through, as she knows someone close to her that is dealing with it too. I think that she is getting mad at me because she knows that I am pushing myself too far.

At home Chris, is really wonderful. He is always making sure I do not have to bend down for anything. He would rather stop what he is doing to get something for me than have me get up and cause so much more pain. The people that I am working with are also trying to help me and every way possible but there is only so much others can do.

I try to remember that there are other people out there that are far worse off then I am. I try to keep that in mind when my day starts going down hill. I keep your words of encouragement in mind as I push through my days. I miss sitting next to all of you over in LH1, as you all help keep my spirits up at the worst of times. I think of you and how you think I’m so strong and try to be strong as to not let you down. I know that you would not think less of me for taking time for myself, but it really helps to imagine you pushing me through my days. Trust me when I say, it’s not a bad thing.

I was talking to my Supervisor about what has happened to me. She thinks that my body chemistry changed when I lost the baby last year and that is why I am not able to handle it as well as I used too. That sucks but it really makes sense. Since July of last year, I haven’t been right and this has been kicking my ass.

Until later, you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Erika



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