LivingWithThePain's Blog











{March 4, 2010}   Could not Do It Again

So, I am sad to say that today the illness has ruled me.  When I got up this morning, I was in tears.  I gave it my best shot to get up and get dressed.  Even the hot shower did not do anything to aid in my relief, so I called in.

I really hate not being at work.  I hate letting this thing beat me!  I was doing so good all week.  All I wanted to do this week is stay in bed and just feel like a person.  I had 1 day this week were I didn’t feel like the living dead and that was Tuesday.  The fates were looking out for me that day as far as pain goes.

So there may be many posts for the day, as I have nothing else to do but sit in bed watching TV or playing on my laptop.

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Rebecca says:

Erika,

I was at the dr yesterday and all I could think of was posting here. I went to a pain clinic in a level 8 pain for me. Verge of tears. When the new dr came in, stated that since I did not have a real diagnosis other than chronic pain, degenerative disk, 3 bulging disks she couldn’t help me. Then she asked if I was on an antidepressant. I wanted to choke her. Yes, I was on the verge of tears after sitting and waiting in the little cold room for an hour for her after the 1/2 hour wait in the waiting room so my pain was growing by the minute. I couldn’t believe that I sat trying to convince her that I was not depressed.

I told her, look, I am in major pain at the moment, I am not a depressed person, I am actually very happy. You are seeing me at my worst. I don’t dwell on the pain, I am doing my best not to let it rule me life.

Anyway, I felt barely able to walk and really crying now. My wonderful boyfriend held my hand and said it would be all right, what do we do know he asked. I told him I didn’t feel well but needed the blood work to see if I had lupus or RA or whatever? He insisted that we do it now, we need to find out what is wrong so that the dr can help.

I had called my primary to make sure they had sent the 2 MRI reports before my appt so the pain clinic could help. Oops, they forgot. So I spend one day off, cost me 35.00 co pay to find out, nothing.

All better now, enjoying my second day off writing and venting here. I am really glad you started this blog Erika, it was the first place I wanted to come vent because I know all too well that you get it.

I felt so embarrassed at work Sunday, I could barely walk, sit of compose myself. Everyone knew something was wrong but I smiled as I was crying. I work with a supportive group and a wonderful supervisor but still, I hate being such a baby.

Love you lots lady. You are always, always in my thoughts and prayers.
Rebecca



Erika says:

Rebecca,

That is exactly how I have felt the last 6 months. I do not know what has happened in that time from for this to kick my ass, but here I am.

Seeing new dr’s is very hard. They think that you are out for the medicine or that you are depressed about something. Well, what the hell do they you are going to do, be happy and elated that you are in so much pain that words elude me?? I mean seriously? If you were bouncing off the walls saying how wonderful your life was, would they not still look at you and be like “This person’s in this much pain?” Which is what I actually get a lot.

I am so glad that you thought of my site to share your experience. I am very sorry that you have to go through all the BS with someone else, but maybe this dr has something up their sleeve and can find out what the core of this is for you! Keep hoping and believing that one day we both will be pain free again!!

I miss you lots!

ERika



Thanks for writing back, I know you understand what I feel. Good news is that I saw my primary and she was horrified by the dr, she gets it. Finding a good primary helps. She adjusted my meds and put me on naprosen again, had taken years ago. I go to the rheumy on Monday but the blood work shows a form of Lupus, finally a decent diagnosis. At first I cried on the way home then I thought, what the hell does it matter what it is called, I just want the pain to stop. They gave me 2 cortizone shots in the big butt which really helped and a vitamin b shot to help with my energy.

I see a back and neck place that only does adjustments and pt to decrease the type of pain i have, managed care, I will let you know if it helps, they treat some of your issues too.

I am looking hopeful to being able to sit and work today. Sad we genuinelly want to be working women but wish it was so damn difficult.

You have always given me strength and inspiration and I really appreciate some one that understands. You are always in my thoughts.

Love and miss you lots too.
Rebecca BFF



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